Guilt After Yelling at Your Kids: Start With Yourself

How do I repair after yelling?

Repair after yelling at your child by calming yourself down with some self-compassion first. Then apologize to your child for your part, focusing on how it felt for your child.

If you’re wondering what this looks like in practice, let’s imagine a mom- we’ll call her Shae. (Shae is not an actual client, just an imaginary example!). She’s loading the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher while packing the diaper, snack, and activity bag for an hour-long trip. They were supposed to leave 30 minutes ago, and she’s feeling the pressure. She buckles the baby into the car seat and calls her 4-year-old’s name. The 4-year-old runs in, struggling to get into her unicorn costume.

“Where are your leggings? What did you do with your shirt?” Shae asks.

“Mama, I want to be a unicorn! Can you help me get this on?” her daughter says excitedly.

“No, baby, we’re wearing leggings and a shirt. Go get dressed,” Shae says, her voice firm.

That’s when the tantrum starts. And Shae, completely done, yells, “Get out of that costume and put your clothes on, now!”

The baby starts crying, and the 4-year-old’s tantrum gets even louder, which Shae didn’t think was possible.

Once everyone is finally in the car, Shae silently berates herself. Her daughter wasn’t being bad. She was just 4, with a 4-year-old’s attention span and impulse control. Shae shouldn’t have lost it. A wave of intense guilt, maybe even shame, floods her.

Why it hits us so hard

We’ve all been there. We’re stretched thin, our to-do list is endless, and then our kid does something that makes life harder. Instead of responding with patience and coaching, we snap. Or we’ve asked for the seven-millionth time, still haven’t been heard, and finally yell.

Then the remorse hits, and it hits hard. At first we might think, I made a mistake. But often we slide into something worse: I’m a bad parent. That second thought is the one that really hurts.

Researchers Helen Block Lewis and June Price Tangney, and later Brené Brown, have explored the difference: guilt is the feeling that we did something wrong, while shame is the feeling that we are something wrong. The problem with shame is that if we believe we’re fundamentally bad, there’s not much we can do about it. We can fall into helplessness, or lash out in anger. And if you’re a parent who really wants to do right by your kids, and you know you didn’t live up to your own expectations, the fear that you’re a bad parent stings all the more.

The issue with shame is that if we believe we’re fundamentally bad, there’s not much we can do about it that’s productive. Instead, we can fall into helplessness, or lash out in anger, instead of working with our feelings and then reconnecting with our child.

Start with yourself first

Here’s what that looks like in practice. Shae might 1) notice that she’s feeling intense shame about yelling. She might also notice the negative thoughts she’s having or feel the flush of shame on her cheeks. 2) Shae can remind herself that it’s very human to yell when you’re overwhelmed and that almost every parent has done it. The point of this part is to remember that you’re not alone, because shame can deceive us into thinking we’re the only ones who have ever done or behaved in a particular way. 3) And then Shae can give herself a little imaginary squeeze of love, or tell herself something kind like, “it’s ok, parenting is really really hard.” If you’re struggling with this part, imagine what you might tell a friend in a similar situation.

Self-compassion can feel weird, or even downright difficult, especially if you frequently experience shame. It might feel like you’re letting yourself off the hook for bad behavior and that you don’t deserve self-compassion. You might believe that if you berate yourself you’ll be more likely to change your “bad” behavior. But I like to remind clients that self-criticism doesn’t help either, at least not in the long run. In fact, there’s some evidence that when parents feel shame, it can prevent them from repairing with their children (Ruckstaetter et al, 2017). With a little self-compassion, you can settle enough to get curious: what would you like to do differently next time, and what conditions would make that easier?

If self-compassion feels really hard, but you know you want to change your relationship with yourself, connect with me. I’d be happy to help. Book a free 15 minute consult

Repair with your child

Once you’ve given yourself some self-compassion and you’re in a calmer and more settled place (though ideally the same day), repairing with your child is often easier. When I say repairing in this context, I mean reconnecting with your child and owning your mistake. Repairing with your child doesn’t require you to say much. Apologize, own your part without blaming your child, and focus on their experience. This is admittedly the hard part for me. I often want to sneak in a little lecture! Instead, keep it simple and brief. Shae could say, “I’m so sorry I yelled. I know that was scary and hard for you,” and then stop there, while leaving space for your child to respond or be close to you if she wants.

When yelling and repair becomes a pattern

If you’re often exhausted and overwhelmed, yelling frequently, or stuck in a yell-repair-yell-repair cycle, extra support can help. If your yelling feels intense or includes threats or name-calling, working with a therapist may help. The same goes if shame about your parenting comes up a lot, or if it’s hard to treat yourself with kindness.

One hard moment doesn’t define you as a parent. Repairing it, with yourself first and then with your child, is part of how kids learn that relationships can survive conflict. But if the yelling and the guilt have become a loop you can’t seem to break, you don’t have to figure it out alone. I offer a free 15-minute consult call for parents who want to talk through what’s going on and whether therapy might help. No pressure, no commitment, just a conversation. [Book a consult call →]

If you ever worry that you might hurt your child, or you’re in a dark place yourself, please reach out for help right away. You can call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453, or call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) any time. Postpartum Support International (1-800-944-4773) is also a good resource if you’re a new parent and struggling.

Sources
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Lewis, H. B. (1971). Shame and guilt in neurosis. International Universities Press.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.
Ruckstaetter, J., Sells, J., Newmeyer, M. D., & Zink, D. (2017). Parental apologies, empathy, shame, guilt, and attachment: A path analysis. Journal of Counseling & Development.