Why You Yell (and What Actually Helps You Yell Less)

Why do I yell at my kids?

Yelling usually follows a pattern, and finding yours is the first step to yelling less, without the shame.

It’s 8:05. Jordan (an imagined example, not a real client!) is trying to get her toddler into bed. Kiddo was supposed to be in bed 30 minutes ago, but she’s been stalling, asking for another book, water, a snack. Then, overtired and overexcited, the toddler begins zooming around the room. Jordan has been longing for that moment when her kiddo is asleep. As her toddler runs into the wall and then steps on the dog’s tail, causing the dog to yelp in pain, Jordan loses it, and yells, “Get back in bed! That’s enough!”

If you’ve had a version of this moment, you’re in good company with lots of other parents!

And if your first reaction is: why do I keep doing this?, I’d like to offer a different question: what conditions are setting you up to yell?

It’s not just you: What sets parents up to yell

There are many aspects of modern parenting that make it more likely that we’re going to yell. This doesn’t mean there’s nothing we can do as individuals- more on that later- but I do want to stop and acknowledge that modern parenting is hard. Lack of PTO, work schedules that don’t align with daycare and school schedules, a cultural emphasis on doing (and buying) more, changed cultural expectations around what it means to be a good parent, etc. all increase the pressure on parents. Which leads to increased stress and reduced tolerance for the challenges of parenting and daily life.

What the research does and doesn’t say about yelling

I also think it’s important to stop and note what we do and don’t know about yelling. In a study that followed about 1,000 adolescents, verbal discipline that included yelling and insults was predictive of behavioral challenges and depression symptoms later on (Wang & Kenny, 2014). Frequent, intense yelling, especially when it included name-calling or threats, is the pattern researchers are most concerned about.

Occasional yelling at your kiddo isn’t the same as this kind of harsh verbal discipline. But I do want to acknowledge that more research needs to be done about the effects of other kinds of yelling on different ages and stages. That said, at a practical level, our goal as parents should be to reduce the frequency and if needed the intensity of yelling.

Step 1: Look for the pattern

So what should you, as one person, do if you do want to reduce the frequency and intensity of yelling? Yelling is rarely random. For most parents it comes at predictable moments: getting out the door, before dinner, bedtime, when the family is late, and when you’re running on empty (you haven’t had good sleep, or you haven’t been able to stay fed and hydrated, or you haven’t had any time for yourself). While I’d like to tell you to track your yelling for a couple weeks and notice any patterns, I know that would be tough for me to actually do and might be hard for you too. If tracking feels impossible, simply reflect on the last times you yelled. What happened, and when did it happen? Set a calendar reminder to reflect again in a week and see if you notice anything else.

Once you’ve noticed some patterns, you can start making some plans for those difficult moments.

Step 2: Learn your early signals

Most people have a physical cue before they yell: voice starting to get louder, a tight feeling in your chest, a feeling of heat in your cheeks or face. Noticing that moment gives you a small window of time to change course before you actually yell.

Step 3: Decide your move in advance

In the moment, it’s hard to come up with a plan, so pick one ahead of time. It might be:

• Lowering your voice instead of raising it (a quiet, slow voice often interrupts the escalation, in you as much as your child)
• A sentence you’ve chosen beforehand: “I need a minute. I’m not upset with you.”
• Stepping into the next room for 30 seconds, if your child is safe
• A phrase you tell yourself: “my kid is having a hard time, and they need coaching through this”
  If your child is old enough to understand, it can really help to practice your move, with your kid/s, in a calm moment. Try it out with them- you might even act a little silly or playful or use stuffies to represent yourself and your kid. It’s great modeling of emotional modulation skills and will help later when you actually need that move. Your child may even tell you to take your action step when they notice you getting frustrated- mine has told me that I need to go take a break before, and that mutual accountability can help!

Step 4: Change the conditions

This is the step parents often skip in my experience, but it can really help. If dinnertime is the hard hour, could you eat a snack at 4:30 with our without your kids, move bath before dinner, or give yourself permission to just serve a sandwich and fruit for dinner so you can be more hands-on with the kids? If mornings are the problem, could you set out clothes the night before or build in an 15 extra minutes? If you’re running on little sleep, is there any way to protect even one stretch of rest this week. Maybe you could go to sleep at the same time as your kids one evening even if the kitchen is a mess?

These are small things, but they lower the baseline stress that you’re experiencing and make yelling less likely.

Considering the larger systemic factors is not a simple step, but if there’s any small thing you can address, do that too. For example, you can remind yourself why the hour before dinner time is so hard- because work and school schedules often don’t align, and no one has had enough rest or downtime. Or when you feel tempted to over-schedule the weekend, ask yourself if this is truly something you want, or if you’re feeling the social pressure to maximize every moment.

What if you still yell?

You will, sometimes. Everyone does. What happens next matters a lot, and it’s the subject of another post: how to repair with yourself first, and then with your child.

When to get more support

If yelling feels out of control, is happening more often, or comes with low mood, anxiety, constant irritability, or rage that surprises you, more support can help. Those states make yelling more likely, and they’re very treatable. There are also learnable skills that give parents alternatives to more intense or harsh verbal discipline. These skills make a difference, and there’s evidence that they last.

If you’d like to talk through what’s going on, I offer a free 15-minute consult for parents. No pressure and no commitment, just a conversation about whether working together might help.

There’s also free support you can reach today. The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is free, confidential support by phone or text: 1-833-TLC-MAMA. The Postpartum Support International HelpLine, 1-800-944-4773 is another option. And the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available if you’re in crisis or having thoughts of hurting yourself or others. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.